Fragile Veins
by Light The Darkness contest
Summary: He wants her, but doesn't trust himself to be with her. A Light the Darkness Contest Entry.


**Title: Fragile Veins**

**Pairing: Edward/Bella**

**Rating: Mature**

**Summary: He wants her, but doesn't trust himself to be with her.**

**Disclaimer: The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement intended. **

**Words: 11, 884**

I'd been living in Forks, Washington for over three months, and it was my senior year in high school. I'm over the move from Chicago.

Alice, my younger sister, had gotten involved with a fucking teacher at our former school. The teacher resigned and every student was on her ass for it. For months, we lived with the rumors and shit they said. That, of course, had me reacting to their nasty words with my fists. She's my sister no matter what.

I made my family suffer before the move. I was fucking pissed all the time, taking it out on everyone. I drank, started smoking and I was arrested. I changed. I went from the softhearted, trusting friend everyone could count on and liked, to the loner that was suspicious of everybody. The rumors and crap spewed by the students at my old high school had made me into that person.

What I learned from that experience was that I was dangerous.

The rainy town wasn't bad once I made friends with the neighbors, who had two kids my age. Their father was the police chief, and after dad explained my arrest, he seemed okay with me. I was defending Alice and he knew his adopted son, Emmett, would do the same for his sister Bella.

Since Alice attended a private school, I was fucking grateful that I had already met Bella and Emmett. No one at the school bothered to talk to me on my first day. Maybe because the news about Alice's extra-curricular activities and my arrest followed us thanks to the social media and my fucking ex-girlfriend, Heidi.

She's the one that told everyone about Alice and that fuck, Mr. Whitlock. I didn't give a shit about the other students, or trust them. Despite the anger and lack of trust, Emmett and Bella made it easy to be friends. Charlie and Emmett helped me channel my anger through fixing shit. Bella had bought a truck that needed work only a week before I moved to Forks.

We started working on it the day we met.

After three months, it's finally ready now.

Bella's fucking giddy, as she jumps behind the wheel of the rusty, red beast. "I'm so excited." She gives me a toothy grin. She has these pretty, little white teeth, one slightly crooked, framed by full, pale pink lips. She slaps a loose strand of dark hair from her face.

"You would be," I say. It's hard to remain aloof when she's so fucking close. She smells good. It's something sweet since she bakes all the time. Sugary and delicious; it's torture.

She's one of my best friends and that's how it has to stay.

Emmett is, too, but nothing compared to Bella. He doesn't get the books I like to read or my music choices, while she shares the same interests. If not, she's always willing to give something new a try. I love that about her. I don't let my attraction show, since I'm not stupid.

I don't date. I decide to play it safe. It's for the best. After all the shit I've gone through in the last year, I can't handle losing her right now.

"Can you blame me?" She rubs her hands together in glee. Her eyes are a rich hazel that glosses over when she's happy. "I'm stuck getting rides in that monstrosity Emmett drives and have sprained my ankle getting off it one too many times."

Her truck isn't that much smaller, but I don't say shit. This is Bella, and she enjoys her independence. Emmett isn't the most reliable person. Last month, I had to pick her up from work because he forgot.

I remember the last time she sprained her ankle perfectly. Emmett had offered me a ride to school on my first day, since my car needed a new fuel pump. Bella joined us, and she was all blushes and smiles as she climbed in the back on that first day. I had to help her up and it was the first time I touched her.

When we arrived at school, Emmett distracted me and Bella stumbled out of the jeep. She skinned her knee and I yelled at her for not waiting. She had hurt herself, and before she could say a word, I carried her to the nurse's office. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the day for lashing out. Silent treatments suck. I've learned to never make her wait.

She's a bit impatient, but she fucking denies it.

Since then, there's been this need touch her all the time. She never sees it as anything but friendly, and I keep doing it. Sometimes it's torture to have her fingers in my hair, or her head on my shoulder, but I couldn't give it up.

"I offered you a ride to school once," I point out.

Her eyes narrow. "Well, I thought three's a crowd then."

Ah, she's talking about my short-lived, completely regrettable relationship with Lauren Mallory when I first moved here. It never amounted to anything. Does that mean she's jealous?

_It's wishful thinking, besides you can't go there._

"Well, if you had, maybe I wouldn't have kept giving her rides," I say, wiggling my eyebrows. I shouldn't have said it.

She eyes me for a second, not understanding the look in them before she turns away. "Ugh, you're disgusting."

"It was nothing."

"Whatever."

I definitely detect anger in her voice. I could explain that the thing with Lauren was a way to get off, since I couldn't have _her_. That would make me more disgusting in her eyes. Something else is holding me back from telling her the truth, and I have a feeling it's more than worrying about our friendship.

I refuse to analyze that shit.

"Bella," I groan. "Can we just forget that shit ever happened?"

"It's hard. It feels like it was practically last week."

Lauren hates Bella since I stopped seeing her, and it's because of me.

"It lasted two weeks. That shit in the hall at school last week was Lauren reminding me what I'm missing. Trust me, it's nothing special."

Her nose wrinkles, but her lips twitch into smile. "Her tits _are_ crooked."

I choke and sputter. "I can't believe you said 'tits.'"

She rolls her eyes, smiling at me again. "Ready?"

That's a loaded question. I play it safe, as always. "Sure. Where to?"

"Wherever the road may lead us," she says, all breath and purr, giggling when I groan. She starts the engine, bouncing happily.

Fuck, I'd do anything for her, just to see her that damn happy all the time.

She pats the dashboard. "Thank you, Big Bertha."

"That's the name you chose?"

She only nods and she puts the truck in reverse. I try not to laugh as she concentrates to back out, the tip of her tongue poking out as she steadily presses the gas.

"Shut up," she growls playfully when I laugh.

I fasten my seatbelt. As much shit she gave her brother about his driving habits, she has some bad ones, too. She takes turns too fast. I switch on the new stereo, the one I bought her. She complained about the cost for a second, but she admitted that she loved it.

Tapping her fingers along to the music, Bella pulls on the road. "Ho hey," she sings, taking a turn onto a dirt road minutes later. I grab hold of the handle over the door, hanging on for dear life. Dirt is spitting out behind us. Fuck, she's crazy.

I figure out where we're going.

It's _our _place.

When I moved here, I explored the town and found it. It's an old treehouse in the middle of a meadow, on this huge lone tree. It was falling apart, with rotting wood and peeling paint.

We fixed it up. It's our place to hang out when we wanted a little peace, and to get away from the pressure of high school and family.

We hit the end of the road and exit the truck. The hike to the meadow is relatively quiet. I help Bella over tree roots and large boulders, and under low hanging branches that threaten to scratch her.

I walk ahead for a bit, but I feel a hard tug when she catches one of my suspenders that are hanging from my pants.

"What the fuck?" I ask, barely catching myself before I fall. She shrugs innocently, bumping my shoulder. The brat takes off running. I follow her, allowing her to win. It gives me a reason to watch her climb the ladder, in case she falls. I also like to watch her cute ass in her skinny jeans.

"I win," she says, offering me a wink before she heads up the ladder. I barely contain a groan when her ass comes into view. Halfway up, she nearly loses her footing, catching the edge of one of the rungs along the front of her calf. "Ow."

Damn, she'll get a bruise from that.

I place my hand on the small of her back, making sure she doesn't fall. "You okay, klutzy?" I ask. It'll piss her off enough to forget the pain.

Besides, she's fucking cute when she's pissed.

"Stop being an asshole," she hisses, trying to stomp on my fingers.

"I can't do that. It's a part of my sparkling personality. You love me anyway."

"Keep it up, Edward," she says, trying to kick me again. Laughing, I grab her ankle, making her hold onto the tree for dear life and scream. She's so small, a whole foot shorter than my six-foot-three. I have a good hold of her, but she doesn't know that. "Let go!"

I do, and laugh, patting her ass affectionately. She curses. I know she's blushing like crazy, but can't see it. She makes it up, closing the trap door behind her, and standing on it.

"No boys allowed!" She stomps twice. She'll get over it. She can't hold a grudge with me for long. I grab the knotted rope nearby, climbing onto the recently added balcony.

I find her sitting against a wall of the small structure, shivering. It's fucking November, so it's damn cold. I sit across from her, my legs and hers stretching out between us. She doesn't say a word, her eyes close as she rests the back of her head against the wall.

Something's up; why else would she come up here?

"What is it, Bella?" I ask when I can't take the silence anymore.

"My dad had me apply to Berkley." She'll be accepted. She has straight A's and because that's how shitty my luck is lately.

Fuck, all the way to California, where I couldn't follow. My family isn't made of money. They had some, but with mom's early retirement and the move, I know they can't afford tuition out of state. My grades turned to shit with all the crap in Chicago, so that means no scholarship.

I clear my throat after a while. "That's fucking great, Bella. Sunny California." The words feel like ash in my mouth.

_She's leaving you behind. She has no reason to stay. She doesn't give a shit about you. _I know my thoughts are false, but they've been there since everything with my ex went down.

Bella only hums in response. I have to look at her, and when I do, she's staring at our boots, only an inch or so away from each other. She playfully touches her much smaller soles against mine, and pushes. I can't resist a chance to eliminate the tension after her news and did the same. We play like that for a bit and end up laughing.

"Come here," she says softly. "Warm me up." She shivers, which means she's fucking cold. It's not as if we've never hugged and shit before. I'm not stupid enough to deny her.

It's too cold to get hard anyway.

Well, maybe.

Fuck it. I can't let her freeze.

I walk over, and as she looks up at me, I can see down her blue shirt. Fuck, she's beautiful. I can't join her now. She'll fucking notice. The cold has nothing on the blood rushing south.

I guess I take too long to sit, and the next thing I know, I'm practically on her lap. I grumble and she laughs, releasing my suspenders with a snap. She starts combing her fingers through my hair. I sigh and stay there, lying on my back with my head on her thighs. My eyes close from the gentle tugs. It feels good, but my mind is reeling with the thoughts that she'll leave me one day.

"Mind if I smoke?" I ask. She only shakes her head, continuing to play with my hair. Every few passes, her nails scratch just so, and it's hard not to groan. She has no idea what it does to me.

"Do your dragon face," she orders.

"Yes, boss." I roll my eyes and do it anyway. My eyes close as I inhale deeply, holding it in, and scrunch my brow for the full effect as I blow the smoke out my nose. She's wearing a huge smile, laughing when I see her so fucking close to my face.

I bite the inside of my cheek to keep myself from pulling her down into a kiss. "Get out," I grumble playfully, gently pushing her back. "Charlie is going to smell that shit in your hair and I'll never hear the end of it." She only shrugs and goes back to running her fingers through my hair.

I'm almost finished with my cigarette when she puts two of her fingers against my lips. I don't look at her, because this is new and nerve-racking. Never mind that my body fucking loves it. I take one last pull, my lips puckering against her skin, as if it's a kiss. She lingers and when she pulls away, I lick my lips for a taste of her.

I want more.

"Are we going to be okay?" she asks softly several minutes later. I'm almost asleep. There's a hazy quality to her face as I open my eyes. She's trying to ruin my day with a question I don't want to think about, but she's waiting.

"We'll always be friends." I pull one of her hands from my hair, playing with her fingers. They're long, delicate, and topped with short-clipped nails. The tips of her fingers are soft, just like other parts of her. "No matter where you are," I add for her benefit and mine.

_You'll never see her again. _My thoughts will haunt me for the rest of the day, probably more. I don't know what I'm more pissed off about—her for leaving or myself for thinking I'll never see her.

"You're dumb," she says and I can see she's serious. "Why won't you let me in?"

I look away, dropping her hand quickly. She places it on my chest. There, she can feel how my heart's beating too fast, too hard. She knows she's freaking me out, but doesn't take back the question.

"What are you gonna make for dinner tonight?" I ask to change topics. "You're still feeding poor ol' me, right?" She sees right through me, the hand in my hair tightens briefly. She would never take my shit sitting down. "Mind if I smoke again?"

I don't bother to wait for her reply, going for my smokes in my shirt pocket. Her arm is in the way, but I stop moving when her pretty, little fingertips move to the undone button on my shirt, playing with the hairs, touching skin. I shiver; there's no way to hide that shit from her. She takes it as an invitation to continue, but I stop her, pulling her hand away and pressing a kiss to her palm and placing it beside her hip, away from me.

She pushes me off her.

We can't go there, even if I can taste it and want it so fucking desperately. We can't. It will ruin everything.

I'm against the wall again. Our legs stretched out, except our feet don't touch now. They mark the distance of the walls I've placed between us. It's too much space. Yet, it's the safest place for her to be.

"I'm not her," she says firmly. From the drop of her shoulders, I know I've hurt her. I want to close my eyes, so I don't have to see her pain.

She's not Heidi. I know she isn't, but I'm afraid she could become like her. Besides, I could hurt her much worse if we cross the line between us. I tilt my head back and say nothing. I have no comforting words to give her.

"You don't talk about your friends back in Chi—"

"I don't have friends back there," I hiss, regretting that I've given her something.

"You don't date," she continues. "You only fuck."

I give her nothing, lighting up again and taking in a deep pull. I look at her. Her eyes are on her lap.

"You only talk to me and Emmett," she says, as she tries to rub her arms for warmth. I should be beside her, providing it. "Even then, you share nothing about your past."

"You fucking know what happened in Chicago," I growl as I bang my head once against the wall, looking away.

"I know what happened with Alice, that's it." For a few minutes, she says nothing more. I want to run, but can't leave her here. I'm not that big of an asshole. "But I don't know what happened to _you_."

"Nothing," I hiss, as smoke curls from my mouth. She sighs and the creak from the floor captures my attention. Through the smoke, I can see she's on her hands and knees, as she crawls toward me. She's determined. I can see it in her eyes. She seeks answers, not knowing the box she wants to open is as dark as Pandora's.

She slides up my thighs and onto my lap. A position we've been in before, but not this close.

My forehead falls on her shoulder as I exhale. Smoke swirls out from between my lips, and this time, it touches her skin, marring the pale, freckled perfection.

I put out my smoke on the floor beside my hip. My hand curves along her waist. I can't resist her, but I have to try to stop her. She deserves more.

"Drop it," I whisper.

"Tell me," she murmurs. Her lips are on my temple, and I can feel the vibrations of her words, inducing another shiver of desire.

"Why is it so important to you?" I ask, afraid of the answer. She shifts, and if she feels my reaction to her closeness, she doesn't fucking show it.

"Whatever happened, it makes you not fully trust me."

"I trust you." My answer was too quick, too firm. It's not a complete lie. The truth guts me. I want to tell her everything.

Her hands run up my arms to keep me warm. "It also doesn't let you see what's right in front of you," she whispers.

Confusion has me pulling back to see her face. Her eyes have a sheen to them. Fuck, I can't handle tears. "What do you mean?"

She huffs, as her cheeks turn pink. "Me, Edward."

_No. _To know that she wants me like I want her, makes this harder. "No, Bella." I shake my head.

The denial nearly scalds my tongue, throat, and chest. She places her hands on my face so I can't look away. I want to curse, and bitch, and lash out. It's Bella, though, and I can't do that to her.

_Do it before she hurts you. She'll do more damage than Heidi ever could._ "Not her," I hiss, more at myself.

"I'm not her," she says, pressing a kiss to each of my closed eyes. I shiver, wishing she was this close for another reason, but that's a defensive mechanism. She deserves nothing less than the truth.

My hands take a hold of her hips, as I breathe in deeply. "I trust you."

"Good," she replies.

Memories parade through my mind. I can still hear the whispers and hisses that filled the hallways every time either of us walked them.

"I was practically a nobody in school. Probably because I hated sports," I say. She nods. "Yeah, I know, I'm lazy. Whatever." My fingers tighten on her hips. She settles against me and her hands fall onto my shoulders.

I can't keep eye contact. If I do, I'll probably fucking run. It takes a while for me to start again. All the while, she's soothing me with her touch.

"School over there is different," I start. "It's fucking huge compared to the dinky little school here." She scowls at the insult, but says nothing. "I had friends, plenty of them. I was easy to talk to and reliable if someone needed something.

"For months, there were rumors about one of the young teachers dating someone, but no one knew who it was." She nods, her fingers tracing shapes on my skin, on my chest. "Eventually, someone thought it was a student."

I have to breathe in deeply to calm down. I feel the rage building again. I realize that it's not safe for Bella to be so damn close, but I can't force myself to push her off, so I keep going.

"I should've fucking known right then that it was Alice. She was too quiet about the whole thing. Before this, if she wasn't listening to the gossip, she was telling it. You know?"

"I don't get that vibe from her."

"Not anymore. She barely talks to us, but she wasn't always like that. She was a fucking chatterbox and outgoing. She was more popular than I was."

"Okay, so someone found out it was her."

"Because of me," I say, my fingers now digging into her hips. Her hands fall to my wrists, closing around them. They're manacles of soft skin and strength, tightening and telling me it's not okay to hurt her.

My body listens and loosens its grip. My dark thoughts surprisingly quiet.

I count until I can breathe again. Her soft voice is soothing against my ear. I want to turn, to feel her lips on mine. I won't go there. There's still too much to say, and there are lines I'm not ready to cross.

"I was fucking stupid. The hottest girl in school asks me out and I think I'm the luckiest asshole alive." I laugh, though it's far from cheerful.

She notices, of course, forcing me to look at her. I don't want to go further, but her eyes ask for all of it. They turn the wall between us to dust. I feel her body shake from the cold and I wrap my arms around her, only it's not her shaking. It's me.

"She used me and let me fuck her so she could come over my house. I'd gone outside for a smoke," I clear my throat, uncomfortable with the words on my lips. "I left her in my bed, thought she'd fallen asleep. She snuck into Alice's room and found shit to incriminate her and the teacher while I was gone."

"The bitch," she nearly growls. I rub the back of her neck to soothe her. "Tell me you did something about it when you found her."

She's fucking pissed, as if she's feeling everything I do. I can't help but pull her closer. I don't want that shit for her. It works to calm her down.

"I didn't know, Bella." She sighs as she rests her head on my shoulder, melting against me. I'm shaking again, because the rest is so fucking bad. "I got back to my room to find her waiting for me, for another round."

From the pinched look on her face, I know she doesn't like to hear about shit like that. I wouldn't want to hear about her and her asshole ex, either.

My fingers reach from my smokes again. I pull out the pack, only to have her grab them and put one to my lips. Eye to eye, I can see the desire in hers, before she tries to hide it. How had I not seen that before?

_You didn't want to see it. _The voice in my head is only a whisper.

She shifts enough to grab my lighter from the front pocket of my jeans. I groan at the slight graze of her fingers along my length. It takes considerable strength not to kiss her right now. The timing is off and I can't risk it, even now, as the words continue, unbidden.

"She was gone when I woke up. She didn't answer any of my calls and texts for the rest of the weekend. By Monday, the pictures Alice had and parts of her diary were all over the school, Facebook, and Twitter."

"Did you know then that it was her?" she asks.

"No. The guys were giving me shit and someone said that Alice and the teacher were pulled out of their classes by the end of first hour." I take a long drag, my fingers tapping a rhythm on her hip. "My parents showed up and it was like their appearance confirmed everything." My words are rushing out of me. "I could see Alice through the window of the office, she was in fucking tears.

"I lost my shit after that. I wanted to know who the bitch was that fucking ruined my sister's life. I start taking down every printed picture I saw. That's when I saw it. A fucking line went through the pages. I'd seen it before. They were from her fucking printer."

Bella hisses as angry as I am. "I sought Heidi out and found her with her friends at lunch, all high and mighty, filing her nails. The walk through that cafeteria was brutal. No one touched me, but the words I heard felt like fists. It was a gauntlet."

I shudder, the memories too vivid in my head. It's almost as if I'm there again. "I stood in front for, accusing her of stealing shit from Alice's room." My head falls back and bang it twice on the wall until Bella stops me. Her hands on the back of my head, brings her that much closer to me.

The thing is I can't even get it up anymore. That's how much the shit fucked with my head.

I continue, bitterly spitting out the words. "Heidi fucking admitted it and she didn't stop there. She said she thought she'd seen Alice with him at some nightclub and she was determined to prove it. She actually sat there and told me she used me."

"She's a bitch," Bella whispers. "She sounds like a spiteful bitch that thrived on other's misery."

"Yeah," I say, lost in her as her fingers curl in my hair and her forehead touches mine.

"Is there more?"

I nod. She knows some of what happened next, because it was all part of my arrest. Alice and I had gone to a party away from the city, both needing a break from all the crap. There were a few recognizable faces, and we should've left then, but Alice wanted to find an old friend before we did.

I tell Bella all this, and the rest. How I found her, whimpering with that dickhead, Royce, Heidi's fucking brother, practically plastered to her. I'd gone into a rage, my vision coloring to a violent red. It wasn't long before there was blood on my hands.

"I don't even remember beating him. One second, I'm watching him grope her chest and the next I'm being pulled off by four people, and he's this bloody _thing_ on the floor.

"They held me down until the cops showed up. They released me after some witnesses admitted that I was defending Alice. Royce's family eventually dropped the charges to protect the family from what he tried to do. That shit still haunts her and me. He could do it to someone else.

"My parents had to give up good jobs because shit got worse," I continue, my voice hoarse from emotional exhaustion. "They had us so young, and we're not rich. They had to use a lot of Mom's 401k to make the move."

"That's not all of it."

I shake my head. "Heidi found out where we were moving to, and found a way to spread the rumors about the new architect and his family moving into town soon. I found out, Alice was in hysterics at the thought of going to public school here."

"That's why she's going to the private school in Port Angeles." I nod in response. "What did you do?"

"I found Heidi walking out of this store and told her off, not giving a fuck who was nearby, but she was alone. I was so pissed that my hand was in the air, ready to hit her. Fuck, I wanted to choke her."

The words choke _me_. I remember how close I was to hitting her and it sends me to my feet without thinking. I can barely breathe. Bella's on her ass, looking up at me, but she's not afraid.

She's not anything.

There's no emotion on her face. That scares me more.

"I can't do this," I hiss and scramble toward the trap door. She calls out my name; it's a cry, and it cuts me again, heart, mind, soul. I don't wait for more, and once I'm off the tree, I hit the ground running.

I don't even know how I make it home hours later. I don't check on her, even though I want to. Mind-numbing music is loud enough to make the walls and windows rattle. My family knows not to bother me when I do this and stay away. Somehow, the noise blocks out my thoughts, makes me forget the worst of it, enough to fall asleep.

There's a knock on the door and Mom's calling for me. I'm not sure how much time has passed. I look at the time on my alarm clock. It's almost midnight. The knock turns to pounding, and this time, the voice behind the door is Charlie.

There's only one reason he'd be here this late. My heart drops to my gut as I jump out of bed, running toward the door. Standing in the hall are my parents and Charlie, I see the worry on their faces.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Before Charlie can even ask, I blurt out, "Did she come home?"

His face is grim as he shakes his head. "What the hell is going on?"

I curse as I turn to pull on some clothes and a pair of boots. "We got into a fight. I left and came home by myself."

"Left her where, Edward?" Mom asks, as my father stands beside her. I can't take the look on their faces. They're not happy with me. You don't leave a girl alone anywhere, even if you're mad.

I know the answer is going to make me regret I was ever born, but I say it anyway. "The treehouse."

Instantly, Charlie steps forward, angry and beyond words, and the only thing that stops him from taking a swing at me is Mom's hand on his arm. I fucked up, and I know it.

"Get the fuck in the cruiser, we're going for a ride," he hisses and steps out into the hall. He needs me. I'm the only one that can find the treehouse in the dark.

I nod and Mom whispers, "It'll be all right."

Dad joins us and I notice something. "Where's Emmett?"

Charlie grunts that he's already out looking for her. The temperature on the rearview mirrors says it's thirty-four degrees. It's fucking cold and the treehouse has no insulation. If something happens to her…

Before we reach the end of the road, we see Emmett's jeep pulling onto it.

There's a trio of sighs and thankful prayers. As Charlie waits, the jeep pulls up and the window rolls down. Emmett is behind the wheel, his eyes are on me. Mine are on her. "She was asleep when I found her."

"Is she okay?" Charlie asks. Her body, curled up against the passenger door, is practically swimming in Emmett's leather jacket.

Emmett nods, but says nothing. He's doing it because of me. "Here, have someone take the truck home." Charlie catches a set of keys easily and passes them to my dad.

Emmett's gone before I can ask if she wants to talk to me.

She doesn't answer my calls or texts. Every time I go over, Emmett or Charlie tell me to leave. For the first time ever, I wish it were Monday already.

It's Sunday night and I haven't slept since Friday. I need to see her. I try again to get through the front door, but Emmett says that Charlie grounded her. Which is probably bullshit. She doesn't want to talk to me, but I can't stand it. I need to see her with my own eyes that she's okay.

Hours later, most of the lights in the house go out except for hers, I climb the tree outside Bella's window. It's a bitch and I nearly fall once, but I continue. It's fucking uncomfortable and freezing, and I'll likely get frostbite and lose a couple of fingers. I deserve nothing less.

I can see inside her room. She's putting on thick socks. She rubs her calf, the one she hit on the treehouse's ladder. The bruise I knew she'd get is nearly black already. That must sting. I want to make her feel better. I tap on the window with my gloved finger, but it's too soft, so I remove my glove and try again. This time as she curls up under her mountain of blankets, and she looks straight at me.

She doesn't move. I can't go to her, either. Every window in the house has an alarm. We learned this the hard way last month. I stretch out for a closer look, under the dim lamplight, I can she's crying.

For a moment, I let my walls crumble. Her eyes widen slightly, and I know she reads me easily—for once. She needs to know something else. I stretch again and breathe on the window and the glass instantly fogs. I hear the squeak of my skin against the glass as I write.

_I'm sorry. _

I can see her mouth form the words I can't hear, "I know."

I stay for a while longer, constantly tracing out the letters as they fog over. I can't stand the cold much longer and she tells me to go with a wave. I've lost her. I can see it in her eyes. Before I leave, I put my bare hand on the glass for second to say goodbye.

It's Monday. I want to go back to Friday and do the day over. Instead of heading to the treehouse, we could've gone to Port Angeles and everything would be normal. I'm late getting to school, but there's enough time for me to check on her before class.

Emmett stops me. "Leave her alone." I knew this would happen. "She's embarrassed and she doesn't need you fucking with her head anymore."

"I'm not doing that!"

Emmett shakes his head. "You have from day one. You wanted her since we met, but you made it clear _to her_ that you weren't interested when you went out with Lauren. She decided friends were better than nothing."

What the fuck? "She told you all this."

He nods. "Why do you think I punched you _after_ you went out with Lauren?" I thought it was because he caught me checking out his sister. "Give her time."

"Why aren't you killing me?" His blue eyes narrow.

"I wanted to, still do actually. But you didn't do it on purpose," he says, gesturing toward our first class we have together. "I also know you'll punish yourself enough."

He's right about that.

"Does she want to talk to me?"

He shrugs.

Fuck. I check the time. I missed the chance to meet Bella at her locker, something I've done for weeks. What will she think about me not being there?

This is for the best. I'll get over her…eventually.

I do what I can to stay away from Bella. Already I feel her absence. The sound of her laugh isn't surrounding me like usual. Her innocent touches and soft words aren't there to greet me as I exit Spanish II to walk her to her next class.

When I realize I'll have to pass Bella in the hall in a few seconds, I'm ready to turn around. That's until I hear her laugh. I can't resist and turn to see her talking to Mike.

They're by her locker and I stagger. He wants her, has made it clear for weeks. This hurts more than I thought it would.

At the end of the hall, I watch as she shakes her head and laughs again. She's fine.

I've been beating myself up for nothing. She's fucking fine and laughing with that fuck, Mike. I want to march toward them, punch him in the face, and grab her. I remind myself this is what I want. I can't give her what she deserves.

When Mike walks away from her, I see her smile instantly fall. It's an act. I can see it now. Her lashes flutter as her eyes close and her breathing is too fast. She leans back against her locker, she's about to fall.

I don't make it to her in time; it's Emmett who has his arm around her. They pass me without a word or look in my direction.

I deserve it.

It's Wednesday and the announcement indicates that tickets for the Winter Formal are on sale, starting today. Everyone's talking about it. I see someone standing by my locker and a tiny flicker of hope warms me, but vanishes once I realize who it is.

I don't even say shit to her as I enter my combination. Subtlety didn't work, and I stop listening two seconds after she starts talking. I slam the locker close and snap the padlock in place.

"Lauren, get lost," someone says, before I get my chance to do the same. She scowls and turns to see Rosalie Hale standing there. With one cock of her eyebrow, Lauren's gone. Rosalie, the school crowned Snow Queen, is glaring at me. She's Emmett's girlfriend and Bella's former best friend.

Instantly, my walls fortify around me. She has never given me the time of day, even when Emmett was talking to me, and Heidi comes to mind. What would Rosalie want with me?

_To use you like Heidi._

"Get your head out of her ass, before it's too late," she hisses. The bell rings for class and we ignore it.

As the hall empties, I glare at her. "Mind your business." I don't like or trust her. She's the most popular girl in school, and dating one of my best friends.

"It is my business when they care about you and they're hurting."

I step toward her, glaring. "When did you start caring about Bella again?"

"Pretty much since the day I met her," she snaps. "I don't know what you did, but fix it."

"Rosalie?" I recognize the voice anywhere. Behind the Ice Bitch is Bella. "What are you doing?" Rosalie closes her eyes and just walks off. "What the fuck?"

"I have no idea," I say stupidly and regret it immediately.

After a few beats of silence, she asks, "You talking to me again?"

I shake my head and turn to leave. My hands are fists in my pockets as I move. My feet feel like lead.

It's three steps before she says something. "Never took you for a coward." I still, but don't turn around. She's right anyway. "Look at me, Edward."

I shake my head again. It's another three steps before I hear her move and her fists start to pummel my back repeatedly. I let her, even as I struggle not to fall.

She's the only once capable of bringing me to my knees.

"I'm not her, you asshole," she cries with every blow. "You just left me there!" Before she can deliver another strike, I turn to pull her into my arms. She fights me for a few seconds, but surrenders as I whisper apologies against her hair.

After a few minutes, we hear a door open somewhere. I grab her hand and duck into an empty classroom down the hall. Out of breath, her back is against the door, I rest my head on her shoulder.

It feels like I can breathe again. "I'm sorry." She says nothing. "When you wouldn't take my calls and wouldn't come to the window, I thought you hated me."

"No." She shrugs. "Dad grounded me for the weekend for falling asleep up there, said I scared ten years off his life."

"I'm such an asshole for leaving you."

Her eyes are bright again as they meet my gaze. "You are an asshole for that." She fists my t-shit. "It's not your fault I fell asleep, though."

"You didn't try to get down?"

She looks away. "I fell asleep right after you left."

"Why?" She sniffles and instantly I feel like a dick for not understanding. She cried herself to sleep.

"I'm okay, Edward."

"It's my fault. Something could've happened to you."

"So you stop talking to me completely?"

I pull away. "I thought it's what you wanted."

"When you didn't come meet me Monday morning, I thought the same thing. After I crossed the line Friday, I was embarrassed."

What the fuck?

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," I state firmly. "It's not like I haven't thought about it."

She's still against the door, her gaze on the ceiling. "You didn't want me that day."

I sigh and pull at my hair. "I can't give you more, but I did want you. Fuck, I still do."

"Like Lauren or the others in Seattle."

"You know about that?"

She nods and the pain in her eyes when they meet mine is unmistakable. She's trying not to cry, but seems to be losing.

"I tried not to want you," she whispers. "I tried to be only a friend. I still can do that. Be your friend." She shakes her head as I approach her. "Just don't touch me right now."

Jesus. Her words are like a punch in the gut. Does she think I'd hit her? The fear that I could is still there, but hearing her say that snaps something inside of me. Instantly, she's in front of me as the room spins.

"Edward, breathe." Her hands are on my face, her sweet breaths fan across my cheek. I follow her instructions, matching her breathing pattern until my vision clears and the tightness in my chest looseness. "I only said that because it's really hard when we hug, and hold each other, and all the shit we usually do. I need a little time, that's all."

I notice I'm on the ground, on my ass as she kneels between my legs. I look up at her and touch her face, her eyes close.

She whimpers a little. "Just a little time," she gasps, kissing my palm before pulling away. With a soft smile and tears in her eyes, she asks, "You okay now?"

I nod and only watch as she rises to her feet and grabs her things. Words are stuck in my throat.

"I hope you still want to be friends at least. I do," she says before she leaves me behind.

It hurts to see her walk away. Did she feel like that when I ran? Fuck! I can't let her go. What the fuck am I still doing on the damn ground? I get up and run to the door, calling out her name.

She's at her locker, and her wide eyes tell me she didn't expect me to come after her. Her gaze darts around the hall as I approach.

I need to show her, tell her something without words. "Come with me?" I ask.

She answers, "Anywhere."

It hits me, despite what I told her, the shit with Royce, and what I almost done to Heidi, she still trusts me not to hurt her.

We're back in the treehouse and she's sees the changes I made since Friday. There's a small chest filled with blankets and pillows; we'll never be cold here again. I whitewashed the walls and stained the floors like we talked about. The new carving on the tree is what she immediately notices.

I had every intention to stay away from her, but a part of me wanted her to know that I missed her. That even though I couldn't give her what she wanted, I could give her this. The softness in her eyes is sweet and a little lost, as if she couldn't believe I'd done it.

"You carved this?"

I nod, but don't look at her as I tell her why.

"I'm sorry," she whispers and I have to look at her.

"Why would you be sorry?"

"For pushing you that day, I knew I was doing it." She sighs and traces the carved letters of her name. It took forever, especially since it's in my handwriting. "For crossing the friendship line," she adds.

"I would've eventually," I admit, as I scratch the back of my neck, feeling it heat. "It was getting hard not to kiss you." She gives me a small smile. "And you pushed because you cared. I know that, now."

She holds out her hand, and I see it as a lifeline. In a way it is, because she's teaching me to _live_ again.

I wish I could say that we shared our first kiss in the treehouse, but we didn't. The hurt was too new still and I understood that. Instead, I took her home and apologized to Charlie for skipping class. That, of course, got me and Bella grounded, but our parents lifted it after two days when they saw how miserable we were.

It's Saturday and we're alone in Bella's living room, watching Supernatural. I roll my eyes at some actor she drools over from the show.

"Let's watch something else." I grab the remote from between her thighs, making her slap my hands away. I'm laughing as she practically climbs all over me to get it back.

I love how we're still us. Nothing has really changed except that, now I think I can kiss her. Maybe, I haven't tried yet. I'm overthinking shit. I know I am, but I don't want to mess this up.

Bella means more to me than a quick fuck.

She knees my thigh, missing my boys by a hair. "What the fuck?" I groan and wrap my arms around her fully. "I want kids someday, babe."

"You're making me miss my show!" she cries and wiggles against me. This time my groan is for a different reason. Her eyes widen immediately, having noticed it. Shit.

"Stay still," I murmur. All the struggling and laughing has left me gasping for breath. Her soft tits against my chest is not fucking helping. I can feel her nipples hardening. "You're killing me."

"For months, I've thought of this," she whispers against my chin. I shiver. I can feel her breathe on me.

I smile innocently. "You've imagined taking advantage of my virtue." She smacks my shoulder. "Ow, fucking hell, woman. Don't hurt me."

I fucking kiss her. I meant to quiet her, but it has the opposite effect. She moans.

I want to hear her make that sound again. I soften the hold on her face, brushing her cheeks with the pads of my thumbs. She whimpers softly and sweeps her tongue along my bottom lip. I grunt, trying to do the same. Her lips are so fucking soft, tasting like the hot white chocolate she made for us earlier.

I want more. I slip my tongue just inside her bottom lip, tasting her. Her hands push against my chest, one of her knees wedging itself between the couch and my hips. She's straddling me again.

Fuck.

She tastes like everything I imagined and so much more. Heaven was too fucking cliché for my girl, but right now, I can't think of a good description. I'd rather sample more. My teeth gently test her soft bottom lip, soothing the sting with the tip of my tongue. She pushes through my lips, taking control and this time, I groan loudly.

A throat clears and we still. "Oh fuck," I hiss, her hand is on my fucking crotch, mine on her ass, and her brother is about to kill me.

"I'm giving you a twenty second head start, starting now," he says. Bella's about to protest, but I'm already moving.

My legs pump faster as I hear his pounding footsteps behind me. "Sorry, Bella! I'll call you later!"

Things have been great, scary, and amazing. It's hard to remember why I was so scared to be with Bella before today. I have the tickets in my hand. I'm going to ask her to the dance. I probably should've done it earlier. There's not a lot of time to find a dress.

Like two days. Shit, maybe I can take her to find one.

We've been out on official dates three times already, but it feels like more. We do hang out every day. If I'm not over her house studying or watching television, she's at mine studying me.

"What has you all smiley?" she asks as we head to lunch.

I shake my head. "Mind if we go outside today?" She leads the way out the doors and toward our little place behind the gym, which hides us from view.

She watches me closely. "What's up?"

I don't ask to have lunch alone unless I have something to tell her, or if I'd rather spend my time making out.

"Will you go with me to the formal?"

She cocks an eyebrow. "You want to take me to the formal?" I do a half-nod, half-shrug kind of thing. "The music is going to be awful."

I groan as my gaze falls to my feet. "I know."

"You'll have to dance."

My head snaps up. She's fucking smiling. Thank fuck. She was making me sweat there for a bit.

"You want to go?" I ask just to be clear.

She wraps her arms around me, kissing my chin. "Yes."

I hold her close and just breathe her in. She always makes it easier.

"Bella!" I groan, my head falling back against the chair. "How many dresses are you going to try on?"

I feel bad, because we had to haul ass to Port Angeles to find a dress. Luckily, I have a suit from my aunt's wedding a few months ago.

"You're acting like you're not going to enjoy it."

"I hate shopping," I whine.

She's changing into one of the dresses she found. It's hard not to think of her naked in there. I wonder if she'll have a fit if I join her. I look at the sales clerk nearby, and she's watching me like a hawk.

"That's because you're lazy."

No denying that; I am lazy. At least when it comes to this kind of stuff, but I think I'd do anything to make Bella happy. She doesn't know, but I was here earlier to shop for her Christmas present—a necklace.

"Where did you go before lunch?"

"I had to take care of a few things before I asked you."

"Oh, I love when you go all mysterious on me."

I chuckle and sit up when I hear her coming out. My jaw falls and my tongue is hanging out. There are miles of legs and bare skin. "That's a keeper."

She giggles. "I'm not sure about the color, makes me look pale. What do you think?"

"Huh?" I'm still looking at her legs. "When did you get another bruise?"

She looks confused and shrugs. "It's the same one."

I check the date. It's been over three weeks since that night. Why is it still so dark? "You need to have that checked out. That shit can't be normal."

"I'm probably anemic or something."

Alice gets that way sometimes, and she does bruise easily—but almost a month? No. "You need to see the doctor."

She sighs and nods, walking into the dressing room to try on another dress.

Worry still clings as I drive us home.

Bella missed her last class on Friday to see her doctor. I drive home and run over to her house. "Hey," I say, pulling her into a hug when I see her at the door. "You okay?"

She burrows her face against my chest. "They had to take blood." I wince, because I know how much she hates needles and blood. I trace blue, fragile veins before helping her remove the tape and cotton.

"I'm sorry, babe."

"I'm anemic but they sent some blood to the lab just in case," she mumbles as I breathe in relief. "I should get the results after the holidays."

"Where's Charlie?"

"We're alone." I can hear the need in her voice, and for some reason, mine is just as strong.

Soon, she comes under my tongue and I on hers. As I held her close after, she murmurs, "I told my dad we have a room in Port Angeles that night."

I still. "What did he say?"

"That he knew this _day_ would come."

"What day?"

"The day you take his little girl away from him," she replies softly. College is in her future and even though I don't know what will happen to me, I'll find a way to stay with her.

I'm waiting for Bella downstairs, desperate to see her. Mom has her camera as Dad and Charlie talk amongst themselves with Sue, Charlie's girlfriend. Bella and I had a very uncomfortable talk with them earlier – a sex talk – with all of them.

I have never seen Charlie turn so red. Bella and I weren't too far behind. They pushed condoms into our hands! It was horrible.

I shudder at the thought.

"Oh my," Mom gasps and I look up.

Bella's finally ready, making one hell of an entrance.

Hundreds of flashes later, Bella turns us toward a mirror. Dressed in a suit, I have to admit, I look good. The matching green tie makes my eyes stand out, my brown and auburn hair is a mess, but she loves it that way. Bella looks amazing in her black and green dress that reaches mid-thigh.

I'm not only taking one of the hottest girls to the dance, but also my best friend. She's all mine.

As she kisses my cheek, I think she knows I'm hers.

I take a few minutes to get my fix, feeling the pounding pulse of the music against the wall. Bella's standing in front me, her head on my chest. The dance is quickly losing its appeal with the shitty pop music and even shitter people that came.

Lauren decided to show up with Bella's ex-boyfriend. Peter was the asshole that took Bella's virginity the year before. Weeks before he fucking left for early admittance into Harvard.

He had broken up with her in an email. I had to get out of there before I did something stupid.

"I'm tired," she whispers.

"I know." She looks up at me and purses her lips for a kiss. I remove my cigarette and brush my mouth over hers. We linger, not deepening it until she stands on the tips of her toes. Her hands move beneath my jacket, snapping one of my suspenders. She giggles softly. "What? You didn't think I'd conform completely, did you?"

"Thank god, you didn't," she whispers and takes the cigarette from my between my fingers. She brings it up to my lips, her eyes there, as she moans. I know she hates the smell, but she loves watching me smoke. My hand travels from the small of her back to her ass.

"You ready to go our room?"

She cocks an eyebrow. "We're not going to one of the parties?"

I shake my head, putting out my cigarette. "I want to be stone cold sober when I'm inside you."

She moans and we hurry upstairs. I want to go slow, because it's Bella, but her dress is on the floor before we reach the bed. I'm cursing as she pulls me over her, my loose tie in her hand.

It serves as a tether to her, linked as we have been since we met.

Our hands wander as lips and tongues roam. Every inch of her is on fire under my touch. My fingers clasp and cling to sweat-coated skin, silky smooth. Tasting everything I can reach, I feel her curl a hand around me. I groan, pumping in her fist, wanting more.

Words are lost, gone. I'm not thinking, only taking, and giving. She does the same. Her hands, gasps, and moans are so fucking needy that I'm already close from hearing her. I pull her hand away, placing it between her thighs. I watch as she plays. I struggle to put on a condom and groan as her fingers dip and rub inside her.

I kiss her again, nudging her thighs farther apart. A whisper of my name has me reaching and testing to see if she's ready.

"Fuck," I hiss when I find hot, silky, wet skin.

"Edward," she moans and slips her arms over my shoulders. I lay my forehead on hers, and together, we watch as I push inside her.

I groan.

She moans.

I kiss her again and move. Inside and out, time escapes all meaning as she surrounds me. Her breaths against my ear, cheek, and neck drive me faster, harder. She takes it all, slow or fast, soft or hard. I shiver and shake, ready, so fucking ready to give her everything.

"You're everything," I whisper. She cries out my name, her mouth on my shoulder as she let's go. I practically shout, because fuck, I wanted her to come. I thrust and thrust, until I'm so fucking gone that it hits me hard and unexpectedly.

I kiss her cheek, her mouth and whisper her name. Her eyes tell me everything I need to know, and as she smiles, I know mine reflect the same.

It's two days after New Year's Day. We start school next Monday and we're watching a movie at her place. Charlie is at work and Emmett is at Rosalie's house. The phone rings, interrupting a kiss, before it can lead to more.

"Yeah, this is her," she says on the phone a minute later. Her brow furrows, and her voice drops to a whisper. "Can you tell me what this is about? Um…okay. I prefer mornings." I cock an eyebrow in question. She only shakes her head. "In Seattle, I see. I can make it out there Monday. Yes, thank you."

She hangs up and gives me a small smile, but I need to ask. "Who was that?"

She shakes her head. "My doctor wants to see me, it's nothing." Before I can ask something else, she changes the subject. Later, I notice that she rubs at the bruise on her leg often. It's still there. I excuse myself long enough to use my phone to see potential reasons for her to have that bruise still.

The list of possibilities scare the fuck out of me.

Monday goes by too fucking slow, and when the last bell rings, I'm running out to my car. Bella had sent me texts here and there during the day. Even Emmett skipped school to go with her and Charlie to see this doctor in Seattle.

I get home and see the cruiser in Bella's driveway. They're home. I run inside my house to drop off my shit and tell Mom I'm going over to see Bella.

"Mom," I call out, when I don't see her in the kitchen. Dad's bag is on the counter, which is fucking weird; he's hardly ever home before dinner.

"They're in the living room," Alice says from the stairway landing. She's been acting stranger than usual, and Mom thinks it's because I don't spend time with her anymore.

"You okay?" I ask. She shrugs. She's kept busy since we got here, and she made friends at her new school. The thing is, she's still not Alice. I miss her, even though I used to find her annoying.

"You better go in," she says, nodding toward the living room.

I shrug and head toward the voices I hear. Pausing at the entrance, I hear Charlie's voice. "What are we going to do?"

My chest tightens and every instinct in my body says I should run. Instead, I walk into the room and my breath catches.

Charlie is on the couch, hands on his head, my Mom's arm is on his shoulders, and he's fucking crying. They don't notice me as Dad says something.

"She's a fighter, Charlie. Leukemia won't stop her."

"What?" They all turn to look at me and I know I heard him right.

"Edward," Mom says as she rises from Charlie's side. The man breaks before me, as he nods, confirming my worst fears.

I'm going to lose her. I open my heart and I'm still going to fucking lose her!

I'm backing out of the room before anyone says another word. Dad and Mom step toward me, but I shake my head. I can't. Fuck no! I can't deal with this shit!

I turn and she's there. Eyes wide and shining, red from crying, it causes a sound to fall from my lips. I run. They're calling out for me, and soon, I hear _her _voice.

Tears scald my face.

My head feels like it's going to explode. Lungs burning, my heart screams for me to stop, but I can't.

I run and run.

I can't breathe.

I stop, my hands on my knees, another sound erupts, equal parts sob and groan. The icy wind is all around me, and it's wet, cold, and punishing. It doesn't compare to the possibilities.

"Edward," I hear her. Her arms wrap around me from behind, she cries, holding me. "Don't run," she says, hiccupping and shivering. "Please don't run." Sounds continue to fall from my lips, but they don't form words.

I want her to understand. I turn around, taking her hand in mine to I place it on my chest, over my heart. She nods, as if she knows how much this hurts me.

"Breathe, Edward," she whispers, pulling my head down to press on top hers. We're crying, she's whispering words as we fall to our knees. I chant her name, rocking us and our hold is fucking tight. She's repeatedly mumbling that she needs me. I look in her eyes, and she looks so fucking scared. She wipes my tears away as I do the same for her.

I curse, because she's not wearing a jacket. I pull mine off and help her slip it on, without a word. I'm afraid to say anything, except…

"I love you."

She smiles at me then, tears in her eyes, making them look beautiful. "I know."

"You'll make it."

Her smile falls a little. "Will we?"

I know why she's asking. I ran before and I ran again. She knows what scares me; losing her, our friendship and that I could hurt her, now this.

I lift her in my arms. "We will."

"I can't go back there yet."

I understand now. "Let go, Bella." She sighs and allows herself to break down. She probably held it in for Charlie and Emmett since they found out. She clings, little fists tight in my shirt, tears drenching it. Her broken sobs rack her body, and every tremor kills me.

I don't run. I hold her, whisper to her, and just love her.

Hours later, we're sitting at the table, all of us. My family and Bella's, even Rosalie, as Charlie tells us everything the doctor said. They caught it early. She has a chance to survive.

"She'll have better chance if she has a bone marrow transplant," Charlie explains and shudders. "I'm a match to her blood type, but can't donate."

"I don't match," Emmett grumbles.

"So far, there's no one on the registry that matches close enough to her," Charlie says, patting his son's back.

"We can organize a blood drive and ask those with the same blood type to see if they'd match," Mom suggests.

"The test is really intrusive," Bella says, shuddering. I wince. She told me she had to have a spinal tap earlier. "But it's worth a shot."

Two weeks later, we're in our treehouse again. It's fucking freezing outside, but we're under a ton of blankets.

Since Bella's news, I stopped smoking. I didn't want to do it around her, but a part me wants to be clean and shit. We needed a break today. It's been weird at school. News travels fast here, and everyone in town knows Bella's sick.

A few people treat her like a pariah as if her illness is contagious. She hates every second of the attention she's gotten. I've spent the last week, walking her to every class and glaring at anyone that dared to stare at her.

"I'm going to lose my hair," she whispers, her fingers tapping a few times on my bare chest.

"Don't care."

For days now, she's said she'd understand if I left her. She has doubts, and I don't blame her. I haven't exactly been reliable, having run from her more than once.

"I'm going to get even thinner."

"And when you get better, I'll go buy you fries."

"I might not be able to have kids."

I already knew. I looked that shit up. The morning after the diagnosis, I spent hours on the internet, looking up anything on Leukemia. The medication she'll have could fuck up her organs.

"I know, still don't care."

She props herself on one elbow, and I can't help but touch her. My fingers graze the side of breast, rubbing her nipple, gently.

"I'm not going to college this fall," she says.

I knew that, too. "I'm sorry."

She only shrugs. "It might hard for me to graduate anyway."

My grades aren't too bad this year. "I'll help you," I whisper, pulling her down for a kiss. She's soft, warm and smells good. It was hard to keep my hands off before, but now, it's impossible.

For a few days after I found out, I was hesitant and scared I could hurt her or give her something. After Dad confirmed with a doctor friend, he told me we can have sex as long as we're careful and always use condoms. That was another uncomfortable conversation, especially when Bella confirmed it with her doctor.

"What if nobody shows up tomorrow?"

My hand falls away, but immediately cradles her cheek. "I'm _not _nobody," I say. Her bottom lip trembles, but softens against my mouth. "Try not to worry."

"It's hard."

My mouth tips up one side and I wiggle my eyebrows. She rolls her eyes. "You're unbelievable."

I don't sleep much nowadays. Every time I try, I wake up in a cold sweat and barely breathing. It sucks to have so much information at your fingertips. My imagination has been working overtime.

"Edward?" Mom enters the kitchen, turning on the light. I wince and give her a small smile. "Can't sleep, either?" I shake my head. She pulls me against her, and kisses my temple. "It'll be okay, sweetie."

"I know."

She offers me a small smile. "How do you know?"

I shrug. "It has to be." Her smile falls, but I can't take back the words. I won't be the same if Bella…I can't even think about it. I kiss Mom's cheek and head up to get ready for the blood drive.

One thousand, four hundred and fourteen people showed up that day. Ten were possible blood type matches. Out of that ten, only seven passed the medical screening to donate bone marrow. Those seven needed to have tissue collected for testing. The closer the match, the better chance she'll make it.

"You don't have to do this," Bella says as Mom gives us a minute a few days later. The test consists of a spinal tap, and considering how much she hates needles, she's freaking out again.

"I do." I touch her face. "I'll do anything for you, even bleed."

She frowns. It looks all wrong on her face, so she smiles when I ask her to. "You look good in a hospital gown."

I pull her down for a kiss and tease her, "I never pegged you to have a doctor/patient fetish."

She giggles, but she wipes away tears. Those come more often, not that I care. I'm here to dry them whenever she needs it.

"I love you," she whispers.

It's the first time she said it. "I know." I shake my head and groan, making an adjustment I can't hide in the gown. "Did you have to tell me now?" She laughs and kisses me, not helping the situation, but it distracts her mind, even it's only for a little while.

Today's the day we'll find out if someone is a match.

The doctor's office is full. Bella wants me here with her and Charlie seems okay with it. I'm fucking nervous. Mom, Sue and Emmett are standing behind us, waiting.

The doctor comes in and starts to tell us a bunch of medical shit that sort of blends together. Bella's hand squeezes mine. I look at her, and I'm _really _fucking scared. I can't lose her.

"The results are back…" the doctor continues.

The room is too fucking quiet and I swear I can hear my heart pounding. The doctor gives us the results and there's a collective cry of relief.

Bella's in her father's arms; he's in tears. She's passed off to her brother, and soon, to Sue and Mom. My mind feels like it's fucking floating and I can't hear anything.

Until Bella drops down on my lap and I wake up. My arms wrap around her and I openly sob. I don't care who is watching. All I care about is the girl in my arms, holding her as she cries.

"I knew," she murmurs, pressing her lips all over my face.

I knew, too.

I'm a match.


End file.
